Thursday 9 June 2005
11 a.m.

Scott left yesterday. I would not have done so well through the end days, and afterward, if he had not been here. Now I will have the space to grapple with what has happened.

I thought I would be crying long into the nights, keening and snotting. Instead I have only short bouts of tears that, although deep and painful, are not as overwhelming as expected. I don't know if that's because Scott has been here to distract me along with all the other things that needed doing — the tea, sorting through Mom's closets, fabrics and sewing notions — or because I have done most of my grieving during the past year (my despair was over what Mom was suffering or might suffer, more than fear of losing her), or because Mom is here in spirit so it doesn't really seem like she's gone.

Karen and I both plan to head for home around the 27th; I will be stopping in Edmonton to leave the boys with Gord, visit Shelly overnight, and spend the Wild Women's Weekend (July long) with Cathy and Janie and the gals. Then home the Monday or Sunday before Mom's memorial on the 7th in Margo. Should you wish to attend, the boys' bunkbeds will be available and I have a big new tent that has never been used.

I am looking forward to getting back to the farm. It will be hard to leave our little Joanie, and I will worry about Dad for the next year even though he is strong and healthy, but I will not be sorry to say goodbye to the city or the mountains. They've treated me well, but the Saskatchewan sky and wildflowers and my walks give me peace and rest like no other place.

This morning I dropped Everett off at school and then went to Dad's for coffee. Spent a couple hours there and came home for breakfast; now to put in a few hours working. Scott will be driving through Saskatoon today; maybe he'll catch you at home.

I am doing fine. Maybe I am kidding myself and will yet be hit hard; surely there will be moments of intense emotion in the months to come. But right now I feel, though shaken to the core, also surprisingly strengthened.

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