Friday 9 Dec 2005
3:21pm

“Are you depressed?” he says to me.

I don’t know. Am I? I've hardly been outside for days (until just now, when the snow melting off the roof told me this balmy weather is not to be ignored after a week between 10 and 20 below), I’ve been sleepy and lacklustre, accomplishing little or nothing.

I lay in the bathtub, think of Mom, dip my hair back into the warm water, cry for a few moments, think of something else, the tears stop.

Last night I went to bed early with a fever and a sinus clog, and slept soundly till the fire was out and the bedroom got cold and woke me. I turned my side of the electric blanket (thanks Mom!) on and shivered while it warmed up, turned it up another notch, shivered and hugged myself, turned it up another notch, shivered and snuggled up to the warm body beside me, turned it up again, and finally one more time before I was warm enough to relax. Then do you think I could sleep? At six I went to the kitchen to eat a plain piece of bread, then was able to sleep till eight when the boys called me up for their goodbye kisses.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and checked email, then turned the computer off and went into the boys’ room, grabbing Everett’s pillow from his bed, tossing it at the foot of Emil’s, and climbing in under the covers. There I slept till two o’clock, except for half a dozen phone calls. I’d taken an Indocid at 11 and felt better when I was awakened by Scott walking into the bedroom, scaring the bejesus out of me.

“Couldn’t you make some noise?” I said, “so I know you’re coming?”

Wed 7 Dec 2005
10:07 a.m.

The first blue sky we’ve had in days. It’s definitely winter; the plugging-in of vehicles has begun. My ski pants need to be dug out. Not that I am any closer to owning a pair of cross-country skis ... I’ve done nothing in that direction ... cannot even remember when I last went out for a walk. Seems I’ve been busy indoors or running here and there... a Christmas party, a birthday party, that trip to the city last week ....

~ waiting patiently for doctor ~

Emil’s visit to the orthopedic clinic was his last one. After this, he will attend adult clinics and only if there is a need, not for regular checkups. According to his hip and foot x-rays, he has finished growing. “What you see now is what you’re going to get,” the orthopedic surgeon said. His left foot sticks out rather sideways, but “it’s working for him” so she thought it should be left alone. No surgery required this year, and not since he was six. Probably never again.

For three hours before we left the city, he pushed our cart around the mall, needing to sit and rest only a few short times while I got some Christmas shopping done. Along the highway we stopped for a bucket of KFC to bring home for supper. He told me several times throughout the two days we were away that he likes it when “just you and me” go places.

~ about halfway home from Saskatoon ~

The next thing to deal with is his legal coming-of-age. When he turns 18 in June, my guardianship needs to be extended beyond his childhood years. A doctor sent me home with a thick pile of Saskatchewan statutes to read so I will know what’s going on and what to do to get it all in order.

For today, that gentle blue sky is calling me out.