~ Trinket with her grandpa, my dad ~

When we were at my parents' home in BC this summer, Mom mentioned Dad always being at the bar for a certain phase of their married life. I commented that yeah, I was only about 12 or 14, but I decided back then never to be with a man who drank too often or too much.

(In my mind, this was a good thing; it shaped my standards powerfully, and because of it I may have avoided much suffering)

Dad bristled visibly. "You always got to your figure skating, your 4-H, your this and your that. Who do you think drove you all over the place? YOU didn't suffer. People make mistakes you know, nobody's perfect, not even you."

I was shocked that he got angry. I'd meant to comment that things we see or pick up going on between our parents stick with us. He felt judged.

Farmbeau perceived my comment as an attack, too, and later told me he thought my dad was amazingly self-controlled for having something like that said to him. I was surprised Dad had been offended; but according to Farmbeau, I'd said an awful thing and it was no wonder Dad was pissed off.

I felt sick (still, after all these years, I respond to my father's anger with discomfort) about Dad being mad. As I hugged him goodbye when we were leaving the next morning, I apologized for "hurting your feelings" — not for what I'd said, for it was true of my experience and not meant to offend. I had a happy childhood and excellent parents in the overall scheme of things. Dad has grown up since those days and has regrets about parts of his life — maybe because you don’t get to do all things over differently — and I simply didn't realize he was sensitive about it.

His response to my “I’m sorry” was a chuckle and "Don't worry about it; I'll pay you back." Which may sound like a flip remark, and of course is not at all what he really meant. A heartfelt apology in my family is something unusual and he only had time for an off-the-cuff remark as we were walking out the door.

My dad, though -- he's the one I'm like, they say.

xoxoetc
~~~Kate