Response to a list post about lovers:

After a number of relatively long-term relationships following starstruck early love, I must weigh in on the side of the good feelings not lasting.

In case anyone is interested, there is an excellent book about why this happens -- why people are originally so lovestruck, and why they become critical and disapproving of their spouse after time.

It's called The Invisible Partners, and it's by John A. Sanford.

In a nutshell, Sanford (a student of Jung) believes that inside of each man is a woman (the animus), and inside of each woman is a man (the anima). Consciously we express our maleness or femaleness, but over the course of our lives we will be more well-rounded and psychologically healthy as we learn to integrate our inner "archetype" more fully, to give that inner person his/her "say" in how we live. Repressing the inner man or inner woman causes all kinds of problems.

When we first fall in love with someone, we project our inner archetype onto that person. We see them as perfect because they are reflecting back to us our own inner man or woman, who can do no wrong.

Inevitably, though, we begin to see all the "imperfections" -- which exist in our own selves, but are projected onto our partners because we are unable to admit to them in ourselves.

(As Sondra Ray says in her book, 'Loving Relationships': your partner is your mirror and teacher who will show you what you need to deal with in your own self. "Love brings up anything unlike itself.")

I highly recommend this book for insight into relationship dynamics. It hasn’t made me a pro -- I still suffer on the declining arc of loving acceptance -- but it has helped me understand.

Kate