Pet brought rain with her! Over an inch, so a needed relief. The kids got rained out of the tent though.

She says the plants in our garden are twice the size of hers.

This is a vase that belonged to Grandma J.

Inside it are 'cleavers,' a noxious weed if I understand correctly. The tiny flowers smell divine, like candy.

Bet you can't do this.

Saskatchewan’s provincial flower, the Western Prairie Lily, grows wild in ditches along the gravel roads and paved highways. It is a ticketable offence to pick one, as they were overharvested by admirers once upon a time.

I have taken to writing only quotes in my paper journal, rather than reporting my day or my week or my thoughts or feelings. If I am reading The Golden Notebook or the Town News or if I hear something said on TV that strikes me as meaningful, as a description or explanation of something I have been experiencing or noticing, I write it down.

Last night it occurred to me that these provide as much of the essence of my inner life as the more diary-like reports do.

I am nearing the end of The Golden Notebook, which has taken a long time to get through. And I’ve copied so many paragraphs. Here is a small, recent sampling, mixed in with a few other things I’ve taken from here and there:

“I think people need other people to be kind to them.” -TGN

“Again the jarring and unpleasantness, the moment I really do not know how to cope with.” - TGN

“He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.” - a local paper

“Ninety per cent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.” - newspaper

“One kind act will teach more love of God than a thousand sermons.” -newspaper

“I was stopped short for a moment. Because nothing he had ever said to me, no tone he had ever used, could have prepared me for that remark: it was a weapon from the armoury, jeering and sneering, and it took me by surprise.” -TGN

“I began to cry, I felt as I had in the dream the night before, held fast by the arms while he laughed and hurt me. Meanwhile he was kind and gentle. Then I knew suddenly that the whole thing, this cycle of bullying and tenderness, was for this moment when he could comfort me.” -TGN

“It’s a small painful sort of courage which is at the root of every life, because injustice and cruelty is at the root of life. And the reason why I have only given my attention to the heroic or the beautiful or the intelligent is because I won’t accept that injustice or the cruelty, and so won’t accept the small endurance that is bigger than anything.” -TGN

or: How to Cook on Hot Days

I was walking through the screen door when I heard Barney say to Grandma, “Can I give you something?”

“What? What is it?”

“Here, this is for you,” he said, holding up a toonie*.

“What do you want to give me that for?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I just want to give you it.”

“Oh! Well sure, you can give me that.” He handed her the gold-centred silver coin. “Thank you! That’s nice! You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.”

Sweet.
The two of them are almost exactly the same height, facing off in front of her china cabinet.

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*

“I guess he can stay overnight, but I told him he’ll have to come to church tomorrow,” Grandma said, half-serious.

“Did you bring clean clothes like I told you?” I asked Barney.

His eyes got wide, because he had forgotten.

“Oh, he’s good like that.”

“No he isn’t,” I said. “His clothes are dirty. He can’t go to church like that.”

“Oh he’s fine!”

“Grandma, he is not fine! His shirt is dirty and so are his pants. He’s not going to church looking like that.”

“They’re clean enough,” she said again.

“They’re filthy, and he wouldn’t even be wearing them now if I’d noticed before. If you take him to church like that, I will be embarrassed. Don’t do it."

She didn't do it. She went to church alone, as always, and afterward the two of them walked out to the café on the highway for lunch. He was wearing his rubber boots, and somehow managed to trip while walking, scraping his knee.

When we picked him up yesterday and they were telling us about the fall, Farmbeau teased "Are you sure Grandma didn't push you? You can tell us, you know." Barney didn't like that at all; took it seriously. He loves his little grandma.

xoxoxoetc
Kate

*Canadian $2 coin

28 June 03 Sat 1:56 p.m.

Found Helter Skelter buried under the cupboardful of towels in the bathroom, so have been reading it. While doing something else -- washing out the tub, for instance -- I think to the murderers “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Scary schoolteacher type, aren’t I?

*(*(*

Went to town yesterday to celebrate school being out for summer by buying the boys supper at the drivethru and picking up some movies. The videostore was just about to close for the night and following day because the owners’ grandchild is graduating this weekend. We drove past the hotel restaurant and it had a Closed sign on the window; no doubt also related to a graduate, or catering the supper. Figured I’d swing by the Sears outlet and see if my parcel was in; it, too, was closed due to grad.

Only in small-town Saskatchewan would that happen anymore, that half the businesses close down on an extremely busy Friday afternoon to attend a high school function.

Gotta love it though. These people have their priorities straight.

My friend, whom I hadn’t seen for about 15 years, told me about her sexlife when she visited at Easter:

“I just love my life! I work at home a couple hours a day. I have lots of room to plant whatever I want -- that’s the only thing I hate about where we live, there are literally no trees, you are on the bald prairie -- I’m collecting old farm stuff and making an outdoor museum of sorts, a kind of park -- I help my fella with the elk during the busy seasons, but otherwise I’m home and it’s exactly where I want to be.

“I said to him, “You don’t talk to me much, you don’t show me any affection or tell me you love me, and you want sex? What, you just want me to lay down and spread ‘em for you?

“Yes, he said. Can you believe it?

“Well why should I? I said. You can just forget about that one. I love ya, buddy, but I ain’t doing that for NO one.

“So he says he’ll have to go out and get some tail then, if I won’t put out. I said go ahead. He said ‘Don’t you care? Don’t you care if I sleep with somebody else?’

“I said “I’m not the least bit worried about it, and you know why? Because you’re too goddamn lazy to DO anything to convince anyone to HAVE sex with you, that’s why!

“What an idiot. It would be SO easy to get what he wants. A little hugging and kissing, a little affection and attention, and it’s going to happen naturally. But he expects it to happen all by itself! No foreplay, just a quick screw, he’s done, and I’m left laying there wanting more.

“He won’t get off his butt for me, so he sure as hell won’t go out of his way to seduce some woman he hardly knows. Nope, I know he won’t. And I couldn’t really care less if he did. I don’t need him for sex. I love him to pieces, but sex? If that’s the way he wants to be, I can take care of myself!”

She’s laughing all the way through the loud telling of this tale, practically slapping her knees like an old farmer.

11:53 a.m.

It was a bolt-out-of-bed morning when, atypically, the phone rang before Farmbeau was awake. Fortunately Barney had half an hour to wash, dress, and eat some toast before the schoolbus arrived. I threw some muffins and cheese into his lunchkit in case the school party was in the afternoon and was only junk food. The shock of a hurried shaking and my “Barney, wake up! We’ve slept in!” had tears ready to roll down his cheeks, but a hug and a hold and a “Don’t worry, I’ll help you get ready” made all the difference and he went smiling and jaunty down the driveway, with a full belly, looking forward to a day of partying.

You think toast can’t give a kid a full belly? Try my bread; you’ll see. I have to make the loaves small, otherwise two slices of bread make a sandwich too filling to finish.

Granola is hot out of the oven; cheques are in envelopes to send for my herb teacher’s new book, The Standing People, and my annual donation to Friends of the Earth, an environmental group. We finally found my sister Suzanne’s birthday card, a month late; it had been in Barney’s art box for him to draw a picture for her, and he’d forgotten it. When I was looking high and low for the card to get it into the mail, he didn’t remember putting it there. Oh well, I’ll mail it now.

Don wanted an omelette for breakfast so he is busy chopping mushrooms, green onion, and green pepper. It takes him a long time but it’s an ability he will be glad to have in the future, and now that we have three weeks where he doesn’t have to hurry in the morning, we’ll take advantage of the leisure to work on his kitchen skills.

It’s still cold out, but we have had no rain. Areas all around us have had some, but here: nothing but a sprinkle to tease.

I have used the last can of tuna, and will buy no more. Farmbeau bought two frozen, fresh salmon from his uncle when he came out from BC in the fall; it has been cleaned and put in marinade for supper tonight. That is it for large ocean-fish purchases around here, although I won't of course control what my spouse buys.

With 90% of the world’s large-fish stock depleted, all I can do is withdraw my addition to consumer demand. I won’t be solving the problem, but I won’t be contributing to it anymore, either.

I am going to miss tuna.

xoxoetc
~~Kate

After we picked up the boys last Monday, we made a couple stops in the city, then charged through the heat and made it as far as this gravel pit before someone had to pee.

Barney’s teacher called last week to tell me he’d upset Don by saying he was going to the swimming pool later and might as well drown. Don had told his aide, who’d told the teacher, who’d told the principal, who phoned the principal of the elementary school, who’d told his classroom teacher, who’d ascertained that he was in no danger and then called to tell me about it.

In the course of the ensuing conversation, she said he appears to have a very “deep intelligence,” that he’s “gifted,” unchallenged by his schoolwork, and challenged by an inability to socialize as the rest of the kids do. He does not seem to know how to join in the play of the other children, thus remains an outsider.

He has been recommended in four of his Grade 5 subjects and “could’ve easily been recommended in the others if he’d made even a tiny bit of effort,” his teacher added. Still, that’s four exams he won’t have to write at the end of the school year. So he’s aced English, Spelling, Math, and Science.

When I talked to Barney about the drowning remark, he said he’d been teasing Don. Don has trouble distinguishing between what is teasing and what is serious. Barney tends to take advantage of this in a pesterful way sometimes.

========================================
****************************************

This morning the phone rang at 8. It was one or both of Farmbeau’s parents calling him, as usual. Can pretty much rely on a wake-up call most days.

My neck was aching, so I got up in hopes that being upright would magically make the pain go away, as it sometimes does. Had a cup of coffee and read my email, but the magic didn’t occur. I was already nauseated and perhaps at that point there is no going back.

I retreated to the couch, where I propped myself as upright as possible and covered up with a blanket, hoping that position and a bit of a snooze might do it.

Farmbeau came in and looked at me. “I feel sorry for you,” he said.

“Oh, I’ll be all right,” I answered. “I may have to take a pill, that’s all.”

Finally, I did, and went back to bed. Just as the neck pain was receding, I heard Don coming down the stairs, making a repetitive grunting noise as he descended. He came into the room and made his way laboriously around the bed. “I’m just coming to give you a good morning kiss,” he said, and then “Is it all right if I lay down beside you and snuggle for a while?”

“Sure,” I said, and he climbed onto Farmbeau’s side of the bed and pressed his shoulder up against mine.

Soon, I heard a whisper. “Is Mom sleeping?” Farmbeau was peeking in the door. I answered him, and he came around to my side of the bed. “I’m going with Dad to take some pigs to market.” He leaned over, kissed me, and said “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetie. See you later.”

He left, and Barney came in. He crawled into the bed on the other side of me and began to talk about the Simpsons TV show and how well he’d done in his playstation game this morning. By this time I was starting to feel better, and told them my plans for their day and mine: breakfast, dishes, baking granola and cookies because we have another cool day, getting their bedroom cleaned up.

Barney is home because he earned recommends in the two subjects being tested today. Tomorrow is Party Day for him and his classmates. Friday the kids go to school for 15 minutes to get their report cards, then come home. And that’s that for school for another season.

Don is already worrying that the holidays won’t be long enough. “There’s still lots of summer holidays left, right Mom?”

We are dropping the boys off at Dave’s sometime between July 28 and 31, and he wants to keep them till the Aug. 23rd weekend. School starts Wed., Aug. 27, so the kids would only have a few days at home to gear up for school. It’s not enough, though they’ll have had three weeks at home at the very beginning of the summer holidays ... starting now.

What is best for them? It’s impossible to know in advance. So I ask the cards; they say XIX The Sun for the longer time at Dave’s, and V Wands for coming home earlier. The answer is very clear, so I’ll plan accordingly. They can stay at Dave’s till the 23rd.

========================================
****************************************

"There are magic mirrors.
In some you are gorgeous.
In some you are an old woman.

Always look in the gorgeous mirrors."

- Velvet, on a journalling list.

Her belief has recently been echoed by a wise friend on another discussion list. It's to do with the lighting. All mirrors are not created equal.

1:25 p.m.
Sunday

Kitchen cleaned, pancakes and bacon served, flour and yeast awaiting thawed and warmed potato-water, and soon there will be dough on the rise.

It’s a half-cloudy, half-windy day, to be taken advantage of for baking bread and, if my ambition and the coolish weather hold, muffins and cookies.

The past two hours or more have been spent in the kitchen. I am taking a break, to sip peppermint tea and write a little here. A leisurely walk to the garden is in order, to see how many corn and tomato plants have been sabotaged by some chewy creature during the night.

We have not had rain to speak of, just the promise of it, with grey skies and thunder. “We had more moisture from the dew the other morning,” said my farmbeau.

Tip for couples:

Get out among friends; it’s when each of you are often at your best and are reminded what it is you love about each other.

xoxxoxoetc
~~~~Kate

9:12 AM

Gotta get ready, gotta get ready, gotta get ready
Don’t feel like it, don’t feel like it, don’t feel like it
Oh well, oh well, oh well

Barney stayed home this morning to help pack and prepare for their trip to the city to spend three nights with their dad, so he thinks his holiday has already begun. His help will be welcome, as he’s a good errand boy and as always it takes longer to get everything ready than I expect it to.

So, it’s off the computer and on to breakfast and bathing and all the assorted details of leaving the house in the shape I want it to be in when we walk back in the door on Monday.

We are picking Don up at school at 10 to 12 and meeting Dave around 6, so that means lots of time to amble our way down the highway with frequent stops whenever anything piques our interest.

For you high-maintenance journal readers, I have cleared out my "offline" entries and posted them all, below.

Have a great weekend,
xoxo
~etc
Kate

When my spiritual teacher does a tarot reading for me, as she has done periodically through the years, she takes pastel chalks and draws an "energy picture" like the one you see above. The colours and their placement have meaning, and the guides most active in my life at the time can be seen as well.

Kate