~strange clouds on Sunday afternoon~

In following the path that feels right for me, I cause pain and discomfort for others. I feel selfish because of this. I am selfish, doing what is right for me instead of what is best for others.

Now don't go writing me, saying I shouldn't feel bad about this, that others choose their reactions to my actions and are responsible for them. I know that and can use the philosophy to justify my own hardheadedness as well as the next stubborn cow can. I'm just being realistic; I am no saint.

Moving, even temporarily, will be a hard wrench for Emil. Last night on the phone he asked several times for reassurances that we would be back from BC in time for his first day of school, and I lied to him. I guaranteed it, so that he would not worry.

I’ve decided not to tell him what my plans are, because he will obsess over it so much that it will ruin the rest of his summer holidays. Everett knows the truth though, and that I am lying to Emil, and why. I feel badly about that too, because I think maybe he won’t be able to trust me to be honest with him anymore. I’ve explained why the truth would hurt Emil right now (not to mention what it would do to my sanity to listen to Emil carry on and on and on and on about it for weeks on end) and Everett seems to grasp that, but still it must put a little dint in his faith in me.

Sometimes I haven't told them the whole truth, but I have never out-and-out lied to either of them. It feels really weird and uncomfortable and I have doubts about whether it's the right thing to do in this case, even now.

***

A great dark cloud blew overhead last night as I stood out on the road, watching. When the wind began to howl loud enough to make my heart pound with anxiety, I came back to the deck and waiting for the thunder and rain. I was not disappointed. We had a lovely rain for about half an hour. I made sure the empty pails were beneath the spout to catch the water, and this morning I went out to give the southside flower bed a drink, which it didn’t get during the rain. Mosquitoes swarmed me; I hightailed it out of there and toward the road to escape them, and the gorgeous morning called me out. I headed off west, breathing in the dewy air and glowing in the gentle warmth of the sun on my bare arms and face.

The western red lilies have multiplied this year into loose colonies in the ditches. Canada anemone’s delicate white petals are everywhere, and I’m fortunate not to have missed the blossoming of the wild roses, which usually bloom in June but are later than usual because of the cool weather we’ve had. I walked between the wealth of two grassy ditches filled with these and aromatic white yarrow, blue flax, yellow clover, and some tall purple ‘weed’ that I cannot identify but which is pretty in its delicate, spiked abundance.

I was deeply happy, strolling along the damp gravel road, all alone, soaking in the brightly-coloured wonders, birds twittering all around. I was not as aware of my surroundings as I thought, though, because the pale fox I saw once before was in the ditch alongside me before I noticed him. He stopped and looked at me, and I greeted him with affectionate appreciation, and then he ran off along the fence and disappeared behind a thin line of poplar and willow trees.

I will miss the beautiful Saskatchewan sky. I love it so much. I love the whispering poplar trees, the gravel roads, the rippling fields, the wildflowers in the ditches, the scent on the air. It feeds my spirit in some essential way that I feel physically when I step outside of this treed yard and can see for miles. And I just couldn't do that in the Okanagan — I tried, and it's not the same. A lump of rock and shadowy evergreens blocks your view, whatever way you turn. There, the sky doesn't start till my shoulders, when it should be well beneath eye level! I am used to a lot of sky blue, and sky sky sky that fills my vision. Mountains filling it are just not the same! They are heavy and solid!

And then there are our sunsets. They are breathtaking. I might agree that sunsets are breathtaking wherever they are seen, but the fact is that Saskatchewan sunsets are unique in the world because of the air currents that meet over the province. They are the cause of some splendid cloud formations that, illuminated by a setting sun, can make me shed tears of gratitude and pleasure. I’m going to miss that.

One more month to drink it all in, and I'm going to go out to BC with a bellyfull to last me a year.